Teenagers are wonderful humans, and getting to know our children while they’re undergoing such gigantic expansions of consciousness is beautiful, joyous work. That doesn’t mean that it is always easy. Though each [autistic] person is different, I have found the following methods to be helpful in communicating with autistic teens. Read, and please add to the list in the comments so that we parents can learn together!
- Walk alongside them when you want to connect. This can be through hiking (mild walks along greenways count!) or while swimming in a lake or going to the grocery store together. They might not talk a lot, but the relaxation and focus of a common task can make it easier to feel emotional clarity and coordination of mental faculties. I think it’s especially helpful to be outside under trees, but my family members all love trees a great deal, so I can’t be sure that this is universal. Generally speaking, a quiet walk by a river under trees will make us feel connected, whether words are spoken or not.
- Play music together, or listen when they play. Sometimes this will mean going to the guitar store with a teen or two so they can try instruments. Sometimes it’s singing harmonies around the table or sharing hymns at evening prayer. Music is profoundly regulating. Make sure your teens have a way to listen to it and to make music.
- Accept and acknowledge echolalia and non-speech sounds as communication. You can learn more about Gestalt Language Processing at Meaningful Speech. Lots and lots of autistic people go through phases where they don’t use spoken language in a typical manner. It’s still communication. Knowing that it IS communication will help you to feel calmer and to search out the tools you need to become a good communication partner for your child.
- My experience is that growth spurts will almost always lead to a communication challenge, either due to sudden extreme sensory needs (moodiness, reclusiveness, going silent(er), being unable to express or recognize hunger and thirst, needing time outdoors but not knowing how to say, requiring stong sensory input but having trouble asking, etc.) or exhaustion or the sudden expansion of consciousness that is way more disorienting for autistic kids since they don’t shed synapses. Remember that our kids are just getting everything piled on, complexity on complexity, and be patient with them. I find it helpful to support their growth spurts by serving them food and drink and outdoor time at the same level that I would have done when they were toddlers. I mean, when I see that they are having a growth spurt, I will literally put a meal on a tray and take it to them or load everyone in the car to go to a natural area so they can regulate even when their executive function/self regulation/interoception is temporarily overloaded.
- Make numbered lists through text messages or on whiteboards or in notebooks, and write each other back in numbered lists. For instance, if a teen writes, “1. I was wondering when we could go to the shoe store. 2. I have a spot on my arm that keeps itching but I don’t know how to describe it.” you might write back, “1. Let’s go on Wednesday at 4pm. 2. The eczema lotion is by the kitchen sink.”
- When our 9 senses (touch, taste, smell, sight, hearing, vestibular, proprioceptive, kinesthetic, and interoceptive) are regulated, we can communicate more easily. Give your teens the tools they need to fill their sensory needs, like in-room yoga swings on frames, mini or large trampolines, swimming times, hiking with backpacks, a crash pad, weighted blankets, indirect warm lighting (not overhead that points down), twinkle lights, reading nooks, noise reducing earmuffs, access to musical instruments, library time, calisthenics, foods with a variety of textures that they like (crunchy, chewy, etc.). The cookbook Color Taste Texture by Matthew Broberg-Moffitt might help (amazon affiliate link).
- If your teen can’t put what they’re thinking or feeling into words, encourage them to communicate what they CAN put into words, either with lists, spoken words, speech output devices or apps, or a paper communication board like this one (link opens PDF). If they can sing a song or hum a tune about their feelings, that works, too. All communication is good. Don’t pressure them to speak. Give them access to other options for communicating.
- We like to use the ProLoQuo2Go (with visual language) or Proloquo4Text apps as speech output options, because we can use them from my phone and from the children’s ipads. Teens can choose their own voices from a among a long list to represent them (or just because they find one more pleasant to hear).
- If your teen is not able to read and needs a higher level of language/communication supports, I recommend consulting a speech therapist skilled with AAC (Augmentative and Alternative Communication) techniques that they can scale to your teen’s motor abilities. Full language systems that use LAMP (Language Acquisition through Motor Planning) are highly effective at building communication for just about everyone, especially if you stick with it for two years so the alternative language modeling has a chance to set in. In my experience, even autistic young adults who were introduced to AAC as teens have been able to communicate well with AAC within a couple of years.
- If you don’t have access to specialists and are low on funds, don’t despair! Parent led intervention is one of the proven Evidence Based Practices for helping autistic people function! Check out the free Core Vocabulary resources at PROJECT CORE, and read the instructions there. If you can find a local autism parent who has used AAC (through a Facebook group, for instance) or watch some YouTube videos, or IG reels or TikToks showing you how to use them, you will be able with consistent modeling (pointing at the language board as you speak slowly and clearly, starting with one or two words) to build communication with your teen.
- Non-speaking teens still need affection and expressions of love. Don’t let your own feelings of confusion or doubt about the parenting that you did not expect block you from having fun with your teen. Find what makes them smile, relax, or laugh, and do that for 15 minutes twice a day (or more, but this goal has data behind it that says it makes a big difference at that level). Try to go for walks with them, swing on swings, rock in rocking chairs, play tongue drums together at the table (maybe with noise blocking headphones), swim, sing, cook, draw, watch something funny, read their favorite book aloud to them, or whatever else builds your connection.
- Take care of yourself by getting the sensory regulation you need, the mental healthcare you need, and the adult connections you need. Keep up your spiritual care for yourself, as well as soul-building and restorative habits. If you need walks or writing or reading time, give them to yourself. If you don’t take care of yourself, you might resent your family or start to despair because of self-abandonment. Don’t abandon yourself. You love your child, and you deserve love, too.
- Autistic teens probably have a deep interest or two that they will want to talk about a lot. Enjoy this. Let them tell you the thing they love. You can pause it by being very direct, as in, “I love seeing how much joy you have in this. I also need to pause to have a mental break to regulate myself. You can keep talking/playing/writing, but I need to use my attention for something else for an hour.” Look, they aren’t going to stop loving guitars or Lord of the Rings or trees or archery or baseball or horses or whatever they love, just because you have to go scroll IG on the toilet or listen to classical music while you make dinner. It’s cool. Just make the deep interest a normal, welcome part of life, and set limits that you need.
- Speaking of deep interests, do some fun stuff with your teens around their deep interest. Go with them to that Taylor Swift concert or to visit the tree species they love, or give them archery lessons or let them cosplay. You don’t have to embrace the deep interest to the same degree, but enjoying them enjoying life by playing alongside them can mean a lot.
- For Christian education needs, try the methods I lay out alongside photos and floorplans in my book Accessible Church School (amazon affiliate link). Communicating the faith is much more effective when you teach through space.
- Last one, though it might seem weird: teach them cursive. This will make the list-making feel more private, and it’s easier for dyslexics to read. Cursive connects letters and somehow also synapses. If you and your teen are able to write by hand, try a handwriting book like the ones from Handwriting Without Tears (amazon affiliate link) to teach them this life skill.
What would you add? How do you communicate best with your autistic teen?